Fear of failure and dreams of success

Lately AJ and I have talked a lot about careers, hobbies, life goals and placement in life. How to find joy in your job if you dislike it and how to have a job that you love. I have always had a bad habit of comparing my life to my friends when it comes to career and education. I graduated Rock Valley with my Associates degree and stopped there because I had a pretty ok paying job, got married, and found out I was happily pregnant. My plans of going back to school for a degree I wasn't passionate about and had no idea what to major in became an idea of the past. I have always had dreams and secret hobbies that I was too embarrassed to tell people because I was afraid of failure. I felt it was better to dream about the success than to try and fail. Afraid of losing the passion, why not just dream about it and never try instead. 

Now that I am a parent, and yes my son Eli is only 2 and Owen a newborn, I start young at trying to encourage chasing your passions. If you are good at something, go for it! God gives us all unique talents and passions for a reason. How can I encourage my children to follow their dreams, if I am too afraid to chase mine? I encourage my friends all the time to not just settle, but to try and find how to use their talents to be able to provide for themselves. I understand that this isn't always possible. Providing financially solely on the things that you are most passionate about can be really hard. Some passions really don't bring in much money or it will take a long time to bring in any. Yes, when having a family, it's smart to make informed and educated decisions, but we only have one life. Why not do something you love and be happy? 

Long story short, I am starting to work on my secret passion of writing children's books again. This might not seem much to some, but is a huge love of mine. I could read, and do read, children's books all day. I love the imagination, rhythm of words, rhymes, and morals in these books. I have several fears when it comes to writing them, such as, I am a terrible writer and bad at editing. I can not spell for the life of me. I can not draw, so illustrations would be impossible for me. I really am just bad with words. The only thing I have going for me is that I have stories and a big imagination. I don't have a style of stories or even really a theme that connects the stories, which many writers do. All I have are stories and ideas. 

Anyway, I believe that at least writing them down, praying about it, and seeking help could get me to the next stage of children's book writing. I need to be ok with the fact that I may fail and may fail several times. There will be people who do not like my stories and I need to be confident in myself to stand by my work. I am hoping that everything will lay out when I seek for help in different areas. I couldn't be more thankful to have such a supportive husband who is there to back me up and encourage me when I am feeling unmotivated and under qualified. 

Owen's Birth Story

Monday, April 7th, I was feeling a bit frustrated with my body, but was just starting to come to grips that this baby wasn't coming out until he wanted to. I was 40 weeks and 4 days. I had tried EVERYTHING in my power to naturally induce him and get labor to start and progress. For example, I was walking almost 3 miles every other day, eating pineapple about twice a week (a whole one by myself, talk about canker sores! Ouch!), bouncing on my exercise ball, walking up and down stairs, doing lunges, and so on and so forth.
The whole weekend before Owen came I was having contractions consistently every 20 minutes, but even with my efforts there was no progression, until Monday. In the morning I was still having the contractions every 20 minutes but they were getting a bit more crampy. I texted AJ while he was at work and told him that I thought either that night or the next day our baby would be born. At 2:30pm my contractions were 8 minutes apart and stronger, but I was still about to function through them. I would just breath and sway through them while my almost 2 year old, Eli, would try to climb all over me. I sat on my exercise ball which helped a lot.
Usually on Monday nights we have small group with two other couples from our church. I texted the host and explained I had been having contractions consistently and thought to see if she would be cool with us still coming and hanging out, which she was more than happy to let me labor at her house. (We have the best small group ever!)
When we got to small group my contractions were every 5 minutes, which was at about 7pm. I wanted to wait till my contractions were about every 3 minutes before I headed to the hospital. While at small group I texted my doula every once in a while to just give her the heads up that at some point that night we would need to go to the hospital to have the baby. She just told me to let her know when to head other there.
At small group we had our discussion and then decided to play a game. They also got their exercise ball out of storage so I could sit on it during the game because my contractions were every 4 minutes and getting stronger. I swayed through each contraction and closed my eyes to focus on my breathing. The game helped SO much and having such fun people to be around kept my mind off how strong the contractions were. I ended up winning the game too!
We finished the game at 10:30pm and the contractions were getting so strong that it was getting hard to not make noise through them. I made a comment that we were for sure having a tuesday baby because there was no way I was having him within an hour and a half. HA! He must not have gotten the memo. We left their house at 10:45pm and had to stop home to pick up a few things and let me mom know that we were going to head to the hospital. My mom was watching our son at our house while we were at small group. When we got to our house the contractions were much more intense. They were still 4 minutes apart so I told AJ that I wanted to stay home and wait but he insisted that we go to the hospital. On the way I called my doula to let her know.
I told AJ to park and that I wanted to walk to the E.R. door because I didn't think I was that far along and knew that walking would help move things along. By this time my contractions were one on top of another so getting in the hospital took a while. We get inside at 11:10pm, but don't get into my room till 11:25pm. The nurse checked me and I was 9cm and 100% effaced. She called for my doctor, who was at home, and AJ called my doula to get there ASAP. When my doctor arrived he broke my water and my body started to push a bit. The contractions were very intense then. My doula arrives just as I am getting ready to push. With three contractions, 10 pushes total, Owen James Vogel was born at 11:56pm weighing 7 lbs 15 ounces and 21 inches long. Another little redhead. We had skin to skin time right away and he latched perfect. My nurses were amazing at letting me and Owen have our time. Once I was ready they took him to get measured while I showered and moved to a different room and then brought him right back to me. Recovery was quick and easy. I felt great and had a lot of energy. This birth was fast and very peaceful. The nurses were so respectful to my birth plan and me wanting to have a natural unmedicated birth. Owen is the perfect addition to our little family. We are so in love and so blessed.

Birth tips from my labor with Eli, and a little of Eli's birth story

Birth has been on my mind A LOT lately. Seeing that I am 14 1/2 weeks pregnant, I still have a ways to go but all I can think about is the day I get to meet my little "bun in the oven." Since I have been thinking a lot about how I want this birth to go, I go back and think of how it went with Eli. I loved his birth. It was emotional, spiritual, hard, peaceful (when the nurse wasn't asking me a million questions), empowering, and so much more. Yes, there a little things when I look back, that I might want to do different with this labor in the future, but overall it was a great experience.  That being said, I have been thinking and researching of ways to make it even "easier" when it comes to a natural, unmedicated birth. So here are my tips;

1. Make sure your husband or support person is on the same page with you when it comes to what you want for the birth. If you want an unmedicated birth, you will NEED someone to tell you that you can do it and encourage you to keep going. There was a point in Eli's labor, during transition, I looked at AJ and said, "I don't think I can do this anymore. I think it may be too hard. What do you think?" And he told me exactly what I needed to hear; "Babe, I believe you can do this. Lets try a little longer and if you still want to change your mind then I back you up. But I know you can do this." Within 45 minutes Eli was out. I am SO thankful he said that.

2. Have a supportive OB or midwife. My OB has a high C-section rate and I know some has to do with unneeded medical interventions. That being said, I believe C-sections are blessing when they are needed. I do not judge moms for however they choose to birth their baby(ies) into the world, I just am a big believer in being educated in the risks, pros and cons, and so on, when it comes to making decisions about birth. For me and my birth, I loved having it naturally. I know with each medical intervention I get, my chances of a C-setion sky rocket up. (No matter how a baby is born, I believe the mother should feel empowered.) Anyway, back to my OB, he was very supportive when I told him I wanted a natural, unmedicated birth. We talked A LOT about what my expectations were and if plans change, which they sometimes do, how we would deal with that and make educated decisions from there.

3. Wait as long as you can to go to the hospital. I was only in the hospital for 4 hours before my son was out. Dr's say come in once contractions are every 5 mins. This labor I am going to try and wait a little longer. Only being there for 4 hours, I still had a nurse that kept pushing for intervention after intervention which I had already told her that I did not want. We still had a good amount of time before Eli was here when my contractions were every 5 mins. Heck I was at my little sister's high school graduation when contractions were every 5 mins apart, which I do not recommend doing when contractions are getting stronger and stronger. We finally left half way through when the contractions were every 4 mins and were getting VERY strong. To the point I needed to me vocal. So then we headed to our apartment to grab our bags and then go to the hospital.

4. Try to stay away from unnecessary medical interventions. I had medical interventions: I had an IV, monitors were on my belly, my Dr broke my water. If you can stay away from pitocin and go with more natural inductions, that will help, and there are a lot of natural ways to try to get labor started or moving along a little faster. Pitocin makes your contractions unnaturally long and much harder. No judgement on you mamas who have had to get the epidural with pitocin! I don't blame you one bit! I can't imagine.

5. Move around! I had to move. I couldn't stay in one position for very long at all. I sat on the birthing ball, was on all fours on the bed, standing, swaying, sitting and swaying, moving, moving, moving.

6. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! I can't stress this enough. If your body is telling you to be vocal, do it! If it is telling you to move, do it! If it is telling you to lay down and rest, do it! If it is telling you to push, do it! My body starting pushing on its own. We called in the nurse and she took one look at me and goes "Oh no hunny. You're not there yet. I've seen plenty of women when they are ready to push and you are not. I'll be back in 45 mins." She left the room and I couldn't stop pushing. Called her back in and she checked me and I was 10 cm and his head was almost all the way out. So please, listen to your body!

7. This one I did not have with Eli but I will have with this baby. We have chosen to hire a doula. A doula is someone who is there to help support mama and daddy during birth. She can suggest different positions to help with moving baby down, help with back labor, and overall help mommy to be more comfortable. She IS NOT there to push my husbands out of the way and take over, but instead to be that extra support and hands when we need them. If I need to just hug AJ, she can be behind me massaging my back, or getting something warm/cold to put on my neck, and many more things.

Anyway, this was my long post of what helped me with the pains of birth with Eli. I wanted to jot them down for myself and thought to share them with those who want to read it. I love birth and want each mom to feel empowered with the birth of her child. I am a strong believer of being educated about birth and finding information so me and Aj can make the best decisions for our family. In no way am I judging those moms who have medicated births or C-sections. These are just some tips for those who want an unmedicated birth. Thanks for reading :) And if you have any more tips, I'd LOVE to hear them!

I AM his mother and I CAN feed him

Throughout my pregnancy with Eli I suffered with depression. A depression I could not shake off or make sense of. Yes, I was horribly sick and in-and-out of the hospital, ER, monitoring, and doctor visits, but still, the thoughts running through my head broke my heart. I wanted this baby SO bad, but at the same time, I did not feel like he was mine. I felt this disconnect from him even though I felt him everyday moving around inside me. Where did that initial joy go? I knew these feelings were not my own. This was not me. I felt as though I was a horrible mother and he wasn't even birthed yet. I wanted to nourish this baby through what I ate, but I couldn't eat anything. I started to fear the future of when my sweet baby would come earthside. Thinking, "If I can't feed and take care of him now, how am I supposed to be able to then?" AJ and I talked about what we should do if I suffer this depression once Eli was born. This scared me even more.

Fast forward to when I arrived to the delivery room, this time to actually have him. In between contractions I had time to think. My mind started to try and trick me, saying that I would fail in this birth as I felt I failed in the pregnancy. I was afraid I wouldn't be strong enough. I was afraid that I would still feel this disconnect when I first saw him.

When Eli was placed on my belly after I had birthed him, I was amazed. There REALLY WAS a baby inside me. I was able to have a little skin-to-skin time before the nurses weighed him and did everything they needed to him. The whole time I was in disbelief. "I just had a baby," I kept thinking. When the nurses were weighing him and such, AJ was able to stand by him. My family came in and held him and took pictures. I again, was still in disbelief. I still felt weird. I had read many blogs about how magical everyone felt after having their baby and how they felt that instant connect. Why wasn't I feeling this. I had skin-to-skin time, so why did I not feel that amazing bond?

Once I was moved out of the delivery room into my recovery room, I had some alone time because AJ was getting food. Eli was in the nursery getting more things done to him by the nurses. I wanted my baby, but was afraid at the same time. Once AJ came back to my room, they brought Eli back to us. Eli was very hungry, so I started to nurse him, and then suddenly, there it was. Eli is MY baby. I was overwhelmed with emotions. Finally, here is my baby, and guess what, I am feeding him. Nourishing his sweet little body, helping him get what he needs to grow. This was what I needed. I needed to nurse my baby, my sweet Eli.

When we arrived home, AJ and I were trying to stay very aware of my emotions to monitor any signs of depression. I didn't feel depressed at all. I was happy for the first time in SO long. The more I nursed, the closer I felt to him. I kept saying to myself, "I AM his mother and I CAN feed him."

I now have such a strong bond with Eli. I am SO blessed to be the mother of such a sweet boy. I am extremely passionate about breastfeeding and love to encourage other moms to do the same. It has helped me grow emotionally and spiritually. I feel it is the greatest gift I can give him right now. Looking back I know I did not fail during my pregnancy or birth. I achieved my goal of having a healthy baby and that is all that matters. I had struggles in the pregnancy but overcame them. And now I have a happy, chubby, strong baby boy whom I love unconditionally.

Going into labor? Not this time!

So yesterday I was called by one of my nurses because I had taken a test the previous day that detects hormones that are released a few days before you go into labor. It came back positive. So with the hormones and the contractions they figured my body was trying to go into preterm labor so they told me I needed to go to the hospital to be monitored.

They went straight into the Labor and Delivery unit where they had a room for me. They hooked me up to the monitors and just told me to relax and that they would be back in a little while. As the nurse came in and out of the room checking the monitor, she explained what was going on. I was have regular and consistent contractions. Luckily the baby didn't sound like he is under any stress. His heart rate was perfect.

I was sent to Maternal Fetal Medicine for them to do an ultrasound on the baby and along of my cervix. Baby again looks perfect! Making it well known once again that he IS a boy. They then did an ultrasound of my cervix to make sure it wasn't thinning out and that I wasn't dilating. My cervix was closed and thick, which was great news! They still wanted to monitor me though because it could potentially change.

Once we got back into our room, they hooked me up to the monitors again and our doctor came in to explain what he was thinking about what everything meant. On our monitor they had my contraction tracker and the girl in the room next to me's tracker to compare. The girl in the room next to me was in labor. My contractions were similar just much smaller bumps. They were almost as regular as that girl's contractions too. What concerned the doctor was that I had been there for a while relaxing and that they weren't slowing down or going away. They decided to put me on some medication to try and calm my uterus. After a few more hours it looked like the medicine was working a little. I wasn't having as many contractions. The doctor felt safe saying I could go home on strict bed rest and taking this medication every 8 hours.

Come to find out, I had been having contractions for a few weeks now and just thought it was the baby. I thought he must have been stretching as big as possible, but actually it wasn't him, it was me. They were pretty irregular though until about a week ago. I also just figured it was ligament pain. For some reason, my uterus is trying to fight the stretching and just wanting the baby out now. Not ok with me. I'd like our baby to stay in cooking for a while longer. So now I am once again on bed rest. The doctor is hoping this will stop my uterus from over reacting. We will go in to see my doctor on monday or tuesday to get monitored once again. That is the latest update.

These are the times we NEED God (pregnancy update)

Yesterday I went in for one of my many doctor check ups. Everything was looking great! The results on my glucose test were great, my vitals were good, baby's heart sounded perfect (he even had the hick-ups), and my weight is up to normal. I felt great about how everything was going. I did have a few things I needed to bring up to the nurse that have been a little different with my body. First I have been feeling a lot of deep pressure in my lower belly, which the nurse thought was just ligament pain, and second, the baby hadn't been moving as much the past few days, which she thought he was just sleepy. They decided to monitor me for 20 minutes just incase, since his movements have lessened. So they hook my up.

One part of the monitor checks the baby's heart rate and the other part checks for his movements and also if there are any contractions. There were... I had 4 contractions within the 20 minute test, which is not good. I didn't even notice them. I maybe felt one but not the other 3. And I just have to say the lady that was helping me was awful! Before I knew I was having contractions she walked up to the monitor and looked at it and says "That's not good." and then walked away. Then walks back in and says "Why isn't he cooperating?" and then walks away again. Talk about stressing a pregnant woman out!!! She finally comes back in and asks me if I new I had been having contractions and I said I had no idea. They then checked to see if I was dilated, praise the Lord, I wasn't, but that still doesn't mean I won't be going into labor anytime soon... They took a sample and I should hear the results today and it tells whether you will go into labor in the next 2 days. If it comes back positive I will be sent to the hospital for a few days to work on keeping me from going into labor and monitor me. Also, if I get 5 or more contractions within 1 hour I have to go in. So all in all, yesterday was an extremely emotional day...

We are not ready for this baby to come. He's not ready to come out! I am only 25 weeks and 4 days! He needs to keep cooking! If you could please be praying that he stays in longer that'd be great! For some reason my uterus is trying to fight stretching. Please also be praying that AJ and I will fully be able to give this up to God. We are both totally overwhelmed. I am doing my best not to stress but it is VERY hard! The next fews days I am supposed to just be relaxing and resting and sleeping, which is hard to do when all I can think about is that my body is trying to kick the baby out. Pray that doctors will have wisdom in their decisions.

God is great, no matter what happens!

Relationship with God and my baby

I have had to learn not to expect anything "normal" to happen during this pregnancy, but instead HAD to lean on God more than ever. It has taught me over and over to trust in His understanding and not my own. This is a hard thing for me to do because I am a bit of a control freak, but I am glad God humbles time and time again. The way I want things is many times not what God has in plan.

One of these unexpected things about the pregnancy was that I would have to stop working. This was/is hard for me. At first I was thankful to get a little break from work when I first got sick. I had been working so hard for so many years, it was nice to have a break I thought. After a while though, it started to get to me. All this free time and not being able to do ANYTHING except lay on the couch. I then started to become angry I couldn't work. It had been my life for so long and then was taken away very quickly.

Once I started having to go to the E.R. about every 2-3 weeks, I became fearful. Fearful of the bills to come. I have been in debt before I was married with sky high medical bills and luckily paid them all off soon after we were engaged. I know how expensive a lot of the testing and E.R. bills cost and I was scared to think of what they would add up to be. Everyday I was nervous for when AJ would bring up the mail.

So at this time I was angry because I couldn't work and fearful for the bills to come and not knowing how to pay them. These two emotions made it very hard for me to focus on what really mattered, that I am pregnant with a healthy baby boy and that I have a God who knows what He is doing. Just in the past two weeks I have finally realized that it is out of my hands and in God's, where it should be. So I started praying for God's comfort and support: emotionally, spiritually, and finically.

This past week I had been praying about what I could do to help bring in money to pay off all these medical bills. That is why I am trying to start my own little business of selling baby crocheted items. This is something I can do while laying on the couch on days I feel sick and does not put my body through physical stress. I can see God blessing this decision already, which is so exciting. While crocheting I have so much time to talk to God and to talk to the baby, working on my relationships with both.