I have had to learn not to expect anything "normal" to happen during this pregnancy, but instead HAD to lean on God more than ever. It has taught me over and over to trust in His understanding and not my own. This is a hard thing for me to do because I am a bit of a control freak, but I am glad God humbles time and time again. The way I want things is many times not what God has in plan.
One of these unexpected things about the pregnancy was that I would have to stop working. This was/is hard for me. At first I was thankful to get a little break from work when I first got sick. I had been working so hard for so many years, it was nice to have a break I thought. After a while though, it started to get to me. All this free time and not being able to do ANYTHING except lay on the couch. I then started to become angry I couldn't work. It had been my life for so long and then was taken away very quickly.
Once I started having to go to the E.R. about every 2-3 weeks, I became fearful. Fearful of the bills to come. I have been in debt before I was married with sky high medical bills and luckily paid them all off soon after we were engaged. I know how expensive a lot of the testing and E.R. bills cost and I was scared to think of what they would add up to be. Everyday I was nervous for when AJ would bring up the mail.
So at this time I was angry because I couldn't work and fearful for the bills to come and not knowing how to pay them. These two emotions made it very hard for me to focus on what really mattered, that I am pregnant with a healthy baby boy and that I have a God who knows what He is doing. Just in the past two weeks I have finally realized that it is out of my hands and in God's, where it should be. So I started praying for God's comfort and support: emotionally, spiritually, and finically.
This past week I had been praying about what I could do to help bring in money to pay off all these medical bills. That is why I am trying to start my own little business of selling baby crocheted items. This is something I can do while laying on the couch on days I feel sick and does not put my body through physical stress. I can see God blessing this decision already, which is so exciting. While crocheting I have so much time to talk to God and to talk to the baby, working on my relationships with both.
