I AM his mother and I CAN feed him

Throughout my pregnancy with Eli I suffered with depression. A depression I could not shake off or make sense of. Yes, I was horribly sick and in-and-out of the hospital, ER, monitoring, and doctor visits, but still, the thoughts running through my head broke my heart. I wanted this baby SO bad, but at the same time, I did not feel like he was mine. I felt this disconnect from him even though I felt him everyday moving around inside me. Where did that initial joy go? I knew these feelings were not my own. This was not me. I felt as though I was a horrible mother and he wasn't even birthed yet. I wanted to nourish this baby through what I ate, but I couldn't eat anything. I started to fear the future of when my sweet baby would come earthside. Thinking, "If I can't feed and take care of him now, how am I supposed to be able to then?" AJ and I talked about what we should do if I suffer this depression once Eli was born. This scared me even more.

Fast forward to when I arrived to the delivery room, this time to actually have him. In between contractions I had time to think. My mind started to try and trick me, saying that I would fail in this birth as I felt I failed in the pregnancy. I was afraid I wouldn't be strong enough. I was afraid that I would still feel this disconnect when I first saw him.

When Eli was placed on my belly after I had birthed him, I was amazed. There REALLY WAS a baby inside me. I was able to have a little skin-to-skin time before the nurses weighed him and did everything they needed to him. The whole time I was in disbelief. "I just had a baby," I kept thinking. When the nurses were weighing him and such, AJ was able to stand by him. My family came in and held him and took pictures. I again, was still in disbelief. I still felt weird. I had read many blogs about how magical everyone felt after having their baby and how they felt that instant connect. Why wasn't I feeling this. I had skin-to-skin time, so why did I not feel that amazing bond?

Once I was moved out of the delivery room into my recovery room, I had some alone time because AJ was getting food. Eli was in the nursery getting more things done to him by the nurses. I wanted my baby, but was afraid at the same time. Once AJ came back to my room, they brought Eli back to us. Eli was very hungry, so I started to nurse him, and then suddenly, there it was. Eli is MY baby. I was overwhelmed with emotions. Finally, here is my baby, and guess what, I am feeding him. Nourishing his sweet little body, helping him get what he needs to grow. This was what I needed. I needed to nurse my baby, my sweet Eli.

When we arrived home, AJ and I were trying to stay very aware of my emotions to monitor any signs of depression. I didn't feel depressed at all. I was happy for the first time in SO long. The more I nursed, the closer I felt to him. I kept saying to myself, "I AM his mother and I CAN feed him."

I now have such a strong bond with Eli. I am SO blessed to be the mother of such a sweet boy. I am extremely passionate about breastfeeding and love to encourage other moms to do the same. It has helped me grow emotionally and spiritually. I feel it is the greatest gift I can give him right now. Looking back I know I did not fail during my pregnancy or birth. I achieved my goal of having a healthy baby and that is all that matters. I had struggles in the pregnancy but overcame them. And now I have a happy, chubby, strong baby boy whom I love unconditionally.

Going into labor? Not this time!

So yesterday I was called by one of my nurses because I had taken a test the previous day that detects hormones that are released a few days before you go into labor. It came back positive. So with the hormones and the contractions they figured my body was trying to go into preterm labor so they told me I needed to go to the hospital to be monitored.

They went straight into the Labor and Delivery unit where they had a room for me. They hooked me up to the monitors and just told me to relax and that they would be back in a little while. As the nurse came in and out of the room checking the monitor, she explained what was going on. I was have regular and consistent contractions. Luckily the baby didn't sound like he is under any stress. His heart rate was perfect.

I was sent to Maternal Fetal Medicine for them to do an ultrasound on the baby and along of my cervix. Baby again looks perfect! Making it well known once again that he IS a boy. They then did an ultrasound of my cervix to make sure it wasn't thinning out and that I wasn't dilating. My cervix was closed and thick, which was great news! They still wanted to monitor me though because it could potentially change.

Once we got back into our room, they hooked me up to the monitors again and our doctor came in to explain what he was thinking about what everything meant. On our monitor they had my contraction tracker and the girl in the room next to me's tracker to compare. The girl in the room next to me was in labor. My contractions were similar just much smaller bumps. They were almost as regular as that girl's contractions too. What concerned the doctor was that I had been there for a while relaxing and that they weren't slowing down or going away. They decided to put me on some medication to try and calm my uterus. After a few more hours it looked like the medicine was working a little. I wasn't having as many contractions. The doctor felt safe saying I could go home on strict bed rest and taking this medication every 8 hours.

Come to find out, I had been having contractions for a few weeks now and just thought it was the baby. I thought he must have been stretching as big as possible, but actually it wasn't him, it was me. They were pretty irregular though until about a week ago. I also just figured it was ligament pain. For some reason, my uterus is trying to fight the stretching and just wanting the baby out now. Not ok with me. I'd like our baby to stay in cooking for a while longer. So now I am once again on bed rest. The doctor is hoping this will stop my uterus from over reacting. We will go in to see my doctor on monday or tuesday to get monitored once again. That is the latest update.

These are the times we NEED God (pregnancy update)

Yesterday I went in for one of my many doctor check ups. Everything was looking great! The results on my glucose test were great, my vitals were good, baby's heart sounded perfect (he even had the hick-ups), and my weight is up to normal. I felt great about how everything was going. I did have a few things I needed to bring up to the nurse that have been a little different with my body. First I have been feeling a lot of deep pressure in my lower belly, which the nurse thought was just ligament pain, and second, the baby hadn't been moving as much the past few days, which she thought he was just sleepy. They decided to monitor me for 20 minutes just incase, since his movements have lessened. So they hook my up.

One part of the monitor checks the baby's heart rate and the other part checks for his movements and also if there are any contractions. There were... I had 4 contractions within the 20 minute test, which is not good. I didn't even notice them. I maybe felt one but not the other 3. And I just have to say the lady that was helping me was awful! Before I knew I was having contractions she walked up to the monitor and looked at it and says "That's not good." and then walked away. Then walks back in and says "Why isn't he cooperating?" and then walks away again. Talk about stressing a pregnant woman out!!! She finally comes back in and asks me if I new I had been having contractions and I said I had no idea. They then checked to see if I was dilated, praise the Lord, I wasn't, but that still doesn't mean I won't be going into labor anytime soon... They took a sample and I should hear the results today and it tells whether you will go into labor in the next 2 days. If it comes back positive I will be sent to the hospital for a few days to work on keeping me from going into labor and monitor me. Also, if I get 5 or more contractions within 1 hour I have to go in. So all in all, yesterday was an extremely emotional day...

We are not ready for this baby to come. He's not ready to come out! I am only 25 weeks and 4 days! He needs to keep cooking! If you could please be praying that he stays in longer that'd be great! For some reason my uterus is trying to fight stretching. Please also be praying that AJ and I will fully be able to give this up to God. We are both totally overwhelmed. I am doing my best not to stress but it is VERY hard! The next fews days I am supposed to just be relaxing and resting and sleeping, which is hard to do when all I can think about is that my body is trying to kick the baby out. Pray that doctors will have wisdom in their decisions.

God is great, no matter what happens!

Relationship with God and my baby

I have had to learn not to expect anything "normal" to happen during this pregnancy, but instead HAD to lean on God more than ever. It has taught me over and over to trust in His understanding and not my own. This is a hard thing for me to do because I am a bit of a control freak, but I am glad God humbles time and time again. The way I want things is many times not what God has in plan.

One of these unexpected things about the pregnancy was that I would have to stop working. This was/is hard for me. At first I was thankful to get a little break from work when I first got sick. I had been working so hard for so many years, it was nice to have a break I thought. After a while though, it started to get to me. All this free time and not being able to do ANYTHING except lay on the couch. I then started to become angry I couldn't work. It had been my life for so long and then was taken away very quickly.

Once I started having to go to the E.R. about every 2-3 weeks, I became fearful. Fearful of the bills to come. I have been in debt before I was married with sky high medical bills and luckily paid them all off soon after we were engaged. I know how expensive a lot of the testing and E.R. bills cost and I was scared to think of what they would add up to be. Everyday I was nervous for when AJ would bring up the mail.

So at this time I was angry because I couldn't work and fearful for the bills to come and not knowing how to pay them. These two emotions made it very hard for me to focus on what really mattered, that I am pregnant with a healthy baby boy and that I have a God who knows what He is doing. Just in the past two weeks I have finally realized that it is out of my hands and in God's, where it should be. So I started praying for God's comfort and support: emotionally, spiritually, and finically.

This past week I had been praying about what I could do to help bring in money to pay off all these medical bills. That is why I am trying to start my own little business of selling baby crocheted items. This is something I can do while laying on the couch on days I feel sick and does not put my body through physical stress. I can see God blessing this decision already, which is so exciting. While crocheting I have so much time to talk to God and to talk to the baby, working on my relationships with both.