I AM his mother and I CAN feed him

Throughout my pregnancy with Eli I suffered with depression. A depression I could not shake off or make sense of. Yes, I was horribly sick and in-and-out of the hospital, ER, monitoring, and doctor visits, but still, the thoughts running through my head broke my heart. I wanted this baby SO bad, but at the same time, I did not feel like he was mine. I felt this disconnect from him even though I felt him everyday moving around inside me. Where did that initial joy go? I knew these feelings were not my own. This was not me. I felt as though I was a horrible mother and he wasn't even birthed yet. I wanted to nourish this baby through what I ate, but I couldn't eat anything. I started to fear the future of when my sweet baby would come earthside. Thinking, "If I can't feed and take care of him now, how am I supposed to be able to then?" AJ and I talked about what we should do if I suffer this depression once Eli was born. This scared me even more.

Fast forward to when I arrived to the delivery room, this time to actually have him. In between contractions I had time to think. My mind started to try and trick me, saying that I would fail in this birth as I felt I failed in the pregnancy. I was afraid I wouldn't be strong enough. I was afraid that I would still feel this disconnect when I first saw him.

When Eli was placed on my belly after I had birthed him, I was amazed. There REALLY WAS a baby inside me. I was able to have a little skin-to-skin time before the nurses weighed him and did everything they needed to him. The whole time I was in disbelief. "I just had a baby," I kept thinking. When the nurses were weighing him and such, AJ was able to stand by him. My family came in and held him and took pictures. I again, was still in disbelief. I still felt weird. I had read many blogs about how magical everyone felt after having their baby and how they felt that instant connect. Why wasn't I feeling this. I had skin-to-skin time, so why did I not feel that amazing bond?

Once I was moved out of the delivery room into my recovery room, I had some alone time because AJ was getting food. Eli was in the nursery getting more things done to him by the nurses. I wanted my baby, but was afraid at the same time. Once AJ came back to my room, they brought Eli back to us. Eli was very hungry, so I started to nurse him, and then suddenly, there it was. Eli is MY baby. I was overwhelmed with emotions. Finally, here is my baby, and guess what, I am feeding him. Nourishing his sweet little body, helping him get what he needs to grow. This was what I needed. I needed to nurse my baby, my sweet Eli.

When we arrived home, AJ and I were trying to stay very aware of my emotions to monitor any signs of depression. I didn't feel depressed at all. I was happy for the first time in SO long. The more I nursed, the closer I felt to him. I kept saying to myself, "I AM his mother and I CAN feed him."

I now have such a strong bond with Eli. I am SO blessed to be the mother of such a sweet boy. I am extremely passionate about breastfeeding and love to encourage other moms to do the same. It has helped me grow emotionally and spiritually. I feel it is the greatest gift I can give him right now. Looking back I know I did not fail during my pregnancy or birth. I achieved my goal of having a healthy baby and that is all that matters. I had struggles in the pregnancy but overcame them. And now I have a happy, chubby, strong baby boy whom I love unconditionally.